How I got here

I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18. We married in front of our family and friends on Septmeber 6,2003. On that day I couldn't have been happier to be marrying my best friend, my better half and the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Divorce has never been apart of my close, personal life. My parents are still happily married. I honestly was one of those people who thought "it could never happen to me". I truly thought my life was set and nothing would ever take away what I thought was forever... Until it happened. In May 2014 my husband and I had our first big fight. He walked out that night, and now 9 months later he has never came back. It is almost impossible to explain how I felt those first few months. I never knew you could physically feel your heart breaking. I had chest pains for months. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't eat, barely slept (and when I did I woke up in tears). I lost 30 lbs in the first month because I just was never hungry. I woke up everyday to live the motions of life and just wait for the day to be over. If it weren't for my boys needing their mommy to keep herself together, I honestly can't say if I would be here today. I know that sounds very drastic but the pain I felt was almost unbearable. No one could ever know that pain unless they have felt it. Thinking about it now is making my heart race. I did everything I shouldn't do. I begged, cried, pleaded and promised to change. I accepted all the blame as to why he left. It was all my fault. It wasn't until 2 1/2 months later that I went on a weeks vacation and it brought some clarity into my life. I realized it wasn't all my fault. I didn't make him leave. Did I have part in what led us to this point, yes absolutely, but it wasn't all my fault. It takes two to make or break a marriage, and we in fact had broke our marriage. I stepped back and realized how things fell apart. How my perfect family, ended up a broken family. First, I believe the thing that caused major damage to our family foundation (i.e. Our marriage) is the fact that we lost "us". We spent our days raising our boys, him working, me keeping up with the house and grocery shopping ect ect, that we completely stopped working on our marriage. A marriage is never "done". It constantly needs to be nurished and filled with love. Your spouse needs to feel your love everyday, not just hear it, actually feel it. You need time together, just you two. To talk, or just be.. Together. We also did not communicate at all. We would get angry but never explain why. There were times I tried to voice my concern. I would say things like I felt like we were roommates, something was different and so on and so on but I couldn't tell him why I felt that way. I just did. It wasn't until I went on vacation that I realized I felt that way because I didn't feel loved. Yes he told me everyday that he loved me, but I just didn't feel it. And I am sure, no I know, he didn't feel my love either because I had pushed myself so far away because I didn't know what was going on. I became depressed, angry and so confused on what was happening. I didn't know I was depressed until after everything happened. I would always tell him I would go see a counsler and figure out why I was so angry all the time but I never did. I was scared. So when he left, I called the next day to see someone. I then found out I was depressed and it was being released by anger. I did not like the person I was. I was hateful and mean. Everyone irritated me. I snapped at my children all of the time. I pushed my husband away and got annoyed when he would want a kiss when he got home. I would snap at him over the silliest things. I'm embarrassed and ashamed at how I acted for so long, but I didn't know that I was depressed. I've tried many times to talk with my husband. At first it was "Whoa is me I don't want to be alone. I missed him" and once reality really sank in I realized how selfish I was. I so badly wanted my husband back that all I was doing was pushing him further away. He needed time, he needed to find himself. And boy did I need to as well. I didn't give him that time. I just wanted my life back. I didn't think about how HE felt in all of this. Which is so unlike me. I always put everyone first, but I was devastated and shocked. I didn't know what to do. I've written him countless letters. At first it was about how sorry I was, and taking all of the blame. Then it was how I just wanted a second chance to show him this isn't meant to happen to our family. Then I wrote, and talked to him about why I felt this had happened. What I felt led us to this. Right now if I could write, or talk to him I would tell him how much I miss him. I would tell him how much I regret not making him feel as loved as he truly was, everyday of our marriage. I would tell him that I would do anything to save our marriage, but I know I can't do it alone. I don't think he is ready for another talk, or if he ever will be. I won't use this post as my "what I think he feels or thinks" post because I don't really know. I do hope that he does know how loved he is, and always has been. So this is what has led me to where I am at in this new year. I have spent many months reflecting on my past, present, and where I will be in the future. I have come a long way, but I have a ways to go. I wanted to start a new blog to write down my journey and share my story. I want to spend my life helping others to never have to feel the pain I have felt. I'll write more in another post.