When I got married..

INI got married on Septmeber 6, 2003. We had a beautiful out door wedding. All our family was there. We had a fun reception afterwards...

I was a senior in high school when I got engaged. I spent my senior year working, graduating, planning a wedding and having my fiancé in Iraq. I graduated in May, turned 18 in July and then got married. Shortly after we got married we loaded up a Uhaul and drove down to our new apartment in Gulfport, Mississippi. It was a long drive, but we had fun talking and getting to know each other even more. We arrived at our apartment and set it all up that night. It was so exciting to start our new life together. 

Eric then deployed and I went back home. After he returned we got another apartment in Mississippi. We did a lot of fun things and spent a lot of time at the pool. We had some good friends that we spent a lot of time with. We then got orders to Rota, Spain. We spent 3 years there and had our first son. It was so exciting to start our little family together. Then we transferred back to MS. Eric then deployed for 10 months so my son and I moved back to Ohio and stayed with my parents. When Eric was due back we went back to MS. Our second son was born there. Then we took recruiting orders to Ohio. 

Ever since we got to Oho things seemed to change. The hours were longer and we spent less time together. Having two kids, who crave a lot of attention, the hours and keeping up with the house really put a lot on us. Things spiraled from there. 

I truly believe he is my soulmate. We connected on so many levels and became one person. We did many things wrong. We felt like our marriage could carry its own, and the fact is love can't keep a marriage together. You have to work on your marriage, you can never stop. I also lived everyday thinking "we could never fall apart... It'll never happen to us" and the truth is... It can happen to anyone. 

I hate divorce

Divorce is a terrible thing, for everyone involved. I truly believe it shouldn't even be an option without abuse or someone affecting your mental state. It is way too easy for someone to just end a marriage. To ruin their kids lives forever. They will forever be hurt. They are damaged and shown that love doesn't have to last forever. They will be more likely to divorce their own husbands/wives because it is what they have been through. 

I have loved my husband for 11 years. (13 years of being together and 11 married). I've been 100% devoted as his wife. I have moved around the world and have only had him as my full time support. I've given all and more. I hit a bad spot, and he left. 

No matter what you should never give up on your spouse. You both will feel when things are wrong. That's when it's time to pull together and no let yourself pull apart. Don't be stubborn. You should ty any and everything to get to the root of the problem. Never give up on each other. 

Your spouse should always be first. Your marriage is the foundation of yor family. When it crumbles, you all feel the affect. I can see now how badly we were all hurting, even our children. 

So never stop dating. Always tell each other what's wrong. Never go to bed angry. Never go outside of your marriage for answers. Only go to each other. You both know your marriage, no one else does. Even if you think your marriage is fine, there's always room for improvement and it always needs worked on. You get comfortable and things start to slid down a slippery slope and before you know it, it has slipped right out of your hands. 

How far I've come..

When you're going through something like this it really make you sit back and evaluate your life, why things happened and how to grow from it. After spending so much time reflecting on our life together, and my part in our situation, I have spent a lot of time working on myself. I figured out a lot of things I didn't like about myself, that I wanted to change. 

I realized I had fallen into a slump. I didn't care about myself, how I looked. So I changed it. I changed my hair and my clothing style. I am more confident in myself now, then I have been my whole life. No everything isn't about looks, but changing those things helped me to look at myself differtly... It helped me love myself again. 

The one thing I really realized I needed to work on, was communication. I was the type of person who would just get angry or upset and I had no problem showing I was mad, but I couldn't talk about why I was mad. Communication is everything. So with the help of a friend, I have been trying better to talk about why I am upset, instead of shutting down. I still have a ways to go, but like all changes, it takes time. It takes time to change old habits and form new ones. 

I've also realized ways that I wasn't the best spouse. While I can't show him I know that. I can learn and grow from it so that I don't make those mistakes again. I realized that I didn't show my love as much as I should have. I love mys husband whole heartedly, but I stopped showing him. Sure I told him, but honestly I love you, is just words. It's feeling loved that really means something. I also didn't feel loved which is why I shut down and became depressed. I was really selfish in many ways, and in a marriage you can't be at all. I just never realized that I was like that. 

So while something like this is completely devastating, you have to look deep within so that it doesn't kill you, it makes your stronger. Nothing is worse than repeating old habits, or cycles. I know I never want to have this happen to me again, and the only way to insure that, is to learn, grow and change. 

I whole heartedly believe I was put in this situation to better myself and my life. To learn to live and not just be alive. I've learned to love life again and appreciate the small things. So while you're hurting , and lost and confused, you can still come out stronger than ever before. Take it as a challenge for a new you. Change what your have control over, instead of trying to change what you can't.