How far I've come..

When you're going through something like this it really make you sit back and evaluate your life, why things happened and how to grow from it. After spending so much time reflecting on our life together, and my part in our situation, I have spent a lot of time working on myself. I figured out a lot of things I didn't like about myself, that I wanted to change. 

I realized I had fallen into a slump. I didn't care about myself, how I looked. So I changed it. I changed my hair and my clothing style. I am more confident in myself now, then I have been my whole life. No everything isn't about looks, but changing those things helped me to look at myself differtly... It helped me love myself again. 

The one thing I really realized I needed to work on, was communication. I was the type of person who would just get angry or upset and I had no problem showing I was mad, but I couldn't talk about why I was mad. Communication is everything. So with the help of a friend, I have been trying better to talk about why I am upset, instead of shutting down. I still have a ways to go, but like all changes, it takes time. It takes time to change old habits and form new ones. 

I've also realized ways that I wasn't the best spouse. While I can't show him I know that. I can learn and grow from it so that I don't make those mistakes again. I realized that I didn't show my love as much as I should have. I love mys husband whole heartedly, but I stopped showing him. Sure I told him, but honestly I love you, is just words. It's feeling loved that really means something. I also didn't feel loved which is why I shut down and became depressed. I was really selfish in many ways, and in a marriage you can't be at all. I just never realized that I was like that. 

So while something like this is completely devastating, you have to look deep within so that it doesn't kill you, it makes your stronger. Nothing is worse than repeating old habits, or cycles. I know I never want to have this happen to me again, and the only way to insure that, is to learn, grow and change. 

I whole heartedly believe I was put in this situation to better myself and my life. To learn to live and not just be alive. I've learned to love life again and appreciate the small things. So while you're hurting , and lost and confused, you can still come out stronger than ever before. Take it as a challenge for a new you. Change what your have control over, instead of trying to change what you can't.