When I got married..

INI got married on Septmeber 6, 2003. We had a beautiful out door wedding. All our family was there. We had a fun reception afterwards...

I was a senior in high school when I got engaged. I spent my senior year working, graduating, planning a wedding and having my fiancé in Iraq. I graduated in May, turned 18 in July and then got married. Shortly after we got married we loaded up a Uhaul and drove down to our new apartment in Gulfport, Mississippi. It was a long drive, but we had fun talking and getting to know each other even more. We arrived at our apartment and set it all up that night. It was so exciting to start our new life together. 

Eric then deployed and I went back home. After he returned we got another apartment in Mississippi. We did a lot of fun things and spent a lot of time at the pool. We had some good friends that we spent a lot of time with. We then got orders to Rota, Spain. We spent 3 years there and had our first son. It was so exciting to start our little family together. Then we transferred back to MS. Eric then deployed for 10 months so my son and I moved back to Ohio and stayed with my parents. When Eric was due back we went back to MS. Our second son was born there. Then we took recruiting orders to Ohio. 

Ever since we got to Oho things seemed to change. The hours were longer and we spent less time together. Having two kids, who crave a lot of attention, the hours and keeping up with the house really put a lot on us. Things spiraled from there. 

I truly believe he is my soulmate. We connected on so many levels and became one person. We did many things wrong. We felt like our marriage could carry its own, and the fact is love can't keep a marriage together. You have to work on your marriage, you can never stop. I also lived everyday thinking "we could never fall apart... It'll never happen to us" and the truth is... It can happen to anyone. 

I hate divorce

Divorce is a terrible thing, for everyone involved. I truly believe it shouldn't even be an option without abuse or someone affecting your mental state. It is way too easy for someone to just end a marriage. To ruin their kids lives forever. They will forever be hurt. They are damaged and shown that love doesn't have to last forever. They will be more likely to divorce their own husbands/wives because it is what they have been through. 

I have loved my husband for 11 years. (13 years of being together and 11 married). I've been 100% devoted as his wife. I have moved around the world and have only had him as my full time support. I've given all and more. I hit a bad spot, and he left. 

No matter what you should never give up on your spouse. You both will feel when things are wrong. That's when it's time to pull together and no let yourself pull apart. Don't be stubborn. You should ty any and everything to get to the root of the problem. Never give up on each other. 

Your spouse should always be first. Your marriage is the foundation of yor family. When it crumbles, you all feel the affect. I can see now how badly we were all hurting, even our children. 

So never stop dating. Always tell each other what's wrong. Never go to bed angry. Never go outside of your marriage for answers. Only go to each other. You both know your marriage, no one else does. Even if you think your marriage is fine, there's always room for improvement and it always needs worked on. You get comfortable and things start to slid down a slippery slope and before you know it, it has slipped right out of your hands. 

How far I've come..

When you're going through something like this it really make you sit back and evaluate your life, why things happened and how to grow from it. After spending so much time reflecting on our life together, and my part in our situation, I have spent a lot of time working on myself. I figured out a lot of things I didn't like about myself, that I wanted to change. 

I realized I had fallen into a slump. I didn't care about myself, how I looked. So I changed it. I changed my hair and my clothing style. I am more confident in myself now, then I have been my whole life. No everything isn't about looks, but changing those things helped me to look at myself differtly... It helped me love myself again. 

The one thing I really realized I needed to work on, was communication. I was the type of person who would just get angry or upset and I had no problem showing I was mad, but I couldn't talk about why I was mad. Communication is everything. So with the help of a friend, I have been trying better to talk about why I am upset, instead of shutting down. I still have a ways to go, but like all changes, it takes time. It takes time to change old habits and form new ones. 

I've also realized ways that I wasn't the best spouse. While I can't show him I know that. I can learn and grow from it so that I don't make those mistakes again. I realized that I didn't show my love as much as I should have. I love mys husband whole heartedly, but I stopped showing him. Sure I told him, but honestly I love you, is just words. It's feeling loved that really means something. I also didn't feel loved which is why I shut down and became depressed. I was really selfish in many ways, and in a marriage you can't be at all. I just never realized that I was like that. 

So while something like this is completely devastating, you have to look deep within so that it doesn't kill you, it makes your stronger. Nothing is worse than repeating old habits, or cycles. I know I never want to have this happen to me again, and the only way to insure that, is to learn, grow and change. 

I whole heartedly believe I was put in this situation to better myself and my life. To learn to live and not just be alive. I've learned to love life again and appreciate the small things. So while you're hurting , and lost and confused, you can still come out stronger than ever before. Take it as a challenge for a new you. Change what your have control over, instead of trying to change what you can't. 

9 months later

It has been 9 months since my world turned upside down. I still to this day miss husband as much, well more, as the day he walked out. I think about him constantly. Everything reminds me of him, of us. We had been together almost 13 years so that is a lot of history that we share together. I don't let my mind travel back to the past as much as I use to but sometimes it happens. 

We truly had a good marriage, other than the few things we lacked in and the fact that we let our marriage go and stopped working on it. We were happy, and had so much fun together. We laughed together more than anything. We were so comfortable with each other. I woke up literally everyday thankful to have him. I was still in awe after 11 years of marriage that he was mine. I would still look at him  and just stare at him and think to myself (which I should have thought out loud more often so he knew just how I felt about him) how lucky I was to be his, and him mine. I love everything about him. He's the most sexy guy I've ever laid my eyes on. I never looked outside of our marriage because no one was better than him. He was a very caring husband and always put me first. He put up with a lot from me. 

I would give anything to have him back in my life. I don't know how he thinks or what he feels because he won't talk to me about anything. He has been shut down since the day he walked out. I wish he would let himself actually hear and feel what I am saying to him. I miss him so very much. I truly believe he is my one TRUE love, and I've lost him. 

What marriage is to me...

Marriage in my eyes is forever. There is nothing you can't work through. When the going get tough, you get tougher. You never turn your back on your spouse, especially when they need you most. Your spouse is the one person you can lean on, trust with everything and always count on to hold you up when you've fallen down. 

I feel that when you have been married for over 10 years, you have made it through any and everything together, then you can come out of anything stronger then ever. You hold each other up, and never involve others in your business. Never compare your marriage to someone else's. Your marriage is YOURS, not theirs. You know your spouse better then anyone else. 

My marriage was my everything. I hit a really dark spot in life and I lost myself. I became a person I didn't want to be. I treated the people that love me most, in a way I never thought I could. The word regret does not even cover how I feel about my actions. I dwelled on them for a very long time but I can't change the past. I can only learn from it and grow from it. And never repeat it. 

When you say "I do" you are commiting your life, your heart to that person. Through good times, and bad. You can't enjoy the good and run when they are bad. When you make a family with someone you have more people to disappoint and turn their world upside down when you decide to walk away. You can never be selfish because it isn't about just you anymore. 

Marriage is more than just a piece of paper, and a different last name. It is a life long commitment. It is one of the most beautiful things. When you get married you are lucky enough to have the one person that means everything to you. The one person who will always be by your side, who will help you through the road of life.. No mater how many bumps you come across. Just never give up. 

How I got here

I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18. We married in front of our family and friends on Septmeber 6,2003. On that day I couldn't have been happier to be marrying my best friend, my better half and the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Divorce has never been apart of my close, personal life. My parents are still happily married. I honestly was one of those people who thought "it could never happen to me". I truly thought my life was set and nothing would ever take away what I thought was forever... Until it happened. In May 2014 my husband and I had our first big fight. He walked out that night, and now 9 months later he has never came back. It is almost impossible to explain how I felt those first few months. I never knew you could physically feel your heart breaking. I had chest pains for months. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't eat, barely slept (and when I did I woke up in tears). I lost 30 lbs in the first month because I just was never hungry. I woke up everyday to live the motions of life and just wait for the day to be over. If it weren't for my boys needing their mommy to keep herself together, I honestly can't say if I would be here today. I know that sounds very drastic but the pain I felt was almost unbearable. No one could ever know that pain unless they have felt it. Thinking about it now is making my heart race. I did everything I shouldn't do. I begged, cried, pleaded and promised to change. I accepted all the blame as to why he left. It was all my fault. It wasn't until 2 1/2 months later that I went on a weeks vacation and it brought some clarity into my life. I realized it wasn't all my fault. I didn't make him leave. Did I have part in what led us to this point, yes absolutely, but it wasn't all my fault. It takes two to make or break a marriage, and we in fact had broke our marriage. I stepped back and realized how things fell apart. How my perfect family, ended up a broken family. First, I believe the thing that caused major damage to our family foundation (i.e. Our marriage) is the fact that we lost "us". We spent our days raising our boys, him working, me keeping up with the house and grocery shopping ect ect, that we completely stopped working on our marriage. A marriage is never "done". It constantly needs to be nurished and filled with love. Your spouse needs to feel your love everyday, not just hear it, actually feel it. You need time together, just you two. To talk, or just be.. Together. We also did not communicate at all. We would get angry but never explain why. There were times I tried to voice my concern. I would say things like I felt like we were roommates, something was different and so on and so on but I couldn't tell him why I felt that way. I just did. It wasn't until I went on vacation that I realized I felt that way because I didn't feel loved. Yes he told me everyday that he loved me, but I just didn't feel it. And I am sure, no I know, he didn't feel my love either because I had pushed myself so far away because I didn't know what was going on. I became depressed, angry and so confused on what was happening. I didn't know I was depressed until after everything happened. I would always tell him I would go see a counsler and figure out why I was so angry all the time but I never did. I was scared. So when he left, I called the next day to see someone. I then found out I was depressed and it was being released by anger. I did not like the person I was. I was hateful and mean. Everyone irritated me. I snapped at my children all of the time. I pushed my husband away and got annoyed when he would want a kiss when he got home. I would snap at him over the silliest things. I'm embarrassed and ashamed at how I acted for so long, but I didn't know that I was depressed. I've tried many times to talk with my husband. At first it was "Whoa is me I don't want to be alone. I missed him" and once reality really sank in I realized how selfish I was. I so badly wanted my husband back that all I was doing was pushing him further away. He needed time, he needed to find himself. And boy did I need to as well. I didn't give him that time. I just wanted my life back. I didn't think about how HE felt in all of this. Which is so unlike me. I always put everyone first, but I was devastated and shocked. I didn't know what to do. I've written him countless letters. At first it was about how sorry I was, and taking all of the blame. Then it was how I just wanted a second chance to show him this isn't meant to happen to our family. Then I wrote, and talked to him about why I felt this had happened. What I felt led us to this. Right now if I could write, or talk to him I would tell him how much I miss him. I would tell him how much I regret not making him feel as loved as he truly was, everyday of our marriage. I would tell him that I would do anything to save our marriage, but I know I can't do it alone. I don't think he is ready for another talk, or if he ever will be. I won't use this post as my "what I think he feels or thinks" post because I don't really know. I do hope that he does know how loved he is, and always has been. So this is what has led me to where I am at in this new year. I have spent many months reflecting on my past, present, and where I will be in the future. I have come a long way, but I have a ways to go. I wanted to start a new blog to write down my journey and share my story. I want to spend my life helping others to never have to feel the pain I have felt. I'll write more in another post.